Friday, December 17, 2010

Helping Others Through our Pain

Our beautiful little community has lost another one too soon......we have another Mother, Father, Sister, Grandmother, Aunt,Uncle, Cousin, and many other family members and friends that are hurting from the loss of a young man in our community. Although I know this family well in our small town you might not see people everyday or it might be months, but we tend to love, pray, and be there for each other. This Mother just buried her Father one week ago. I never thought I would add another role to who I am and had no idea when I was running to Wal Mart that I would reach out...but today I felt the overwhelming need to just go hug, hold, and whisper words that might help this Mother through this difficult time.....all I could say was let your friend and family lift and love you through this time, keep looking up and asked God to help you through the next moment, the next second. I could so recognize the look in her eyes of having a part of one's soul missing. I have had that look for 8 months, for when you lose a child no matter what age they are, you lose part of your heart and soul.
I know that God helps us in the same way we must help each other as he felt the same pain we feel when his son was on the cross and died for us. This is what sustains me in my deepest hours that through Jesus dying on the cross, I am assured my loved ones and I will have eternal life and will be together again. Although things are out of order for those of us that lose a child before we pass on...please pray for our community and this family right now and in the days ahead. I just had a dear friend bury her son at 53, this young man was in his early twenties, my son was 32.....the one thing a Mother mourning does not need to hear is ...this is God's plan or it will get better. I am sure that God has a plan, but I am not sure we will ever know or need to know that plan and at this point I don't scream and cry as in the first few hours, days, weeks, but the pain, the hurt, the realization that this is not a night mare and someone is not going to turn on the lights is not going to happen. My love and prayers to this family. Love and hugs to all, P

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

This is Not the Way it is Supposed to be....

I am a blogger slacker. I tend to need to get my emotions out and then it can be so painful when you let down and let them go. So much has changed in my life in the last 2 years. So much sadness, so much loss, yet I try to count my blessings...yes I still must count my blessings. It seems that as I get older, the less joy I have had in my life and I have that thought goes over and over in my mind, "God this is not the way it is supposed to be." My mind gets confused on what songs were sung at which funeral, but I think that was part of a song that was sung at my oldest son's funeral in April. My human nature makes me question, "What did I do God to have so many loved ones taken from my small, simple, sweet family?" This surely is not God's plan for me and my family. Then I look around me at others that are suffering from loss of loved ones taken too soon, suffering from cancer and other illness, and their loved ones that are hurting as they go through life that is not as it is supposed to be. I had my first glimpse of a small blessing this week, I lost a very good friend, not just friend, but family. Although he is no longer married to one of my best friends, they still had a wonderful relationship for their children and grandchildren, although both have remarried. We shared Thanksgiving with him this year, and his current wife, x wife, the x wife's husband, his Mother, my family, and their children and grandchildren minus his son that is in the Navy and had just deployed to Africa. He was happy, looked the perfect picture of health and on this Sunday he laid down to take a Sunday afternoon nap, his wife heard him breathing different, checked on him and realized something was wrong, called 911, and although they tried at the hospital he died at 53 years of age. Gone, I realize what his wife went through seeing him, knowing that nothing could be done to help him and then being all alone with him 2 hours away from their family. No one ever shared how my Randy was found, all I was told by one person was how horrible it was. My sweet, sweet neighbor, Tambo who was at my house and saw Randy told me that although his left side of his face was cut, probably from his glasses, he had only bleed a small amount and just looked like he had peacefully gone to sleep and was laying on his left side still with his Domino's wings and Sunday newspaper under his arms, he never braced, he never knew. He was just gone in a second. She shared details with me that no one had ever shared. I thanked her, because every time I get out of my car, I go through so is that what he did and how did he fall, where did he land, how bad was his face hurt. God spared me from having to face watching him die and being a nurse not being able to help him. Being a nurse I think we always think we can fix our loved ones. I kept saying if I had been here, maybe I could have done something....why couldn't I fix my Corey, what couldn't I fix my Dad. And now how do I help mend the broken hearts of my dear friends that have lost their son, brother, Dad, Papaw, and friend....this is not the way it is supposed to be during the Christmas season. I thank God that I live in a community that still prays for me and my family and that I have check in each morning and at night by my friends. Just seeing if you are okay, have you eaten today, I have sugar cookies made and pasta salad so come on up, and God bless her heart when I announced that I am not participating in Christmas decorating saying I am sorry P, but you will just have tolerate being around my decorations because she loves and does an excellent job with decorating. I spend time today deciding what to put on my Dad, my Corey, and my Randy's graves today. That is not the kind of decorating I planned on doing this year. Please pray for my friends that have lost a wonderful man this week and everyone that is having their own hurt and heavy hearts this season....this is not the way it is supposed to be, but it is God's plan and someday we will understand. I don't have a great way with words as my husband and my son did...but God grant peace and healing to all that are hurting and help us face this season with as much joy as possible, give us peace with each breath, and strength to face the next day, the next hour, the next moment. Love and hugs to all, P
PS a huge blessing was Austin totaled his vehicle in a pouring rain storm, walked away with only a small cut above his right eye and a sore body. Praising God for surrounding him with special angels that day.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


For those of you that don't know me personally, my husband of 37 years was found dead in our driveway on Father's Day. My son, Mother and I were out of town. I talked to him on Saturday night, he had sent me a text message when I asked "are you okay" that he was "great." Yet the man I had spent the last 41 years of my life, was found face down in the driveway with his newspaper and box of chicken wings in his hands. He had not even braced, so they tell me this means he died before he hit the ground of a cardiac event. I am a nurse and know that when the big one happens it doesn't matter where you are, but I have beat myself up over not being here, although they have said there would have not been anything I could have done. Yet, how could this happen when I needed him so badly to lean on during our recent losses. I titled this confused as my youngest son was driving me someplace the other day to pick up one of our cars that had been in the shop and looked at me and said , "Mom you have a confused look." I am confused, I am lost, I am lonely, I am fearful of losing everything we worked for in our lives, I am hurt, I can just about put any word in and I have felt that emotion. It is hot, I am afraid to turn my air conditioning down because of not being able to pay the power bill. I eat because people bring me food. Randy always was on to me to lose weight, but he did not have to go to this extreme to encourage me to lose weight. I think people avoid me, simply because they don't know what to say. Probably because I stare a lot in thought of my Dad died on 1/8/10, my son died on 4/15/10, and my husband dies on 6/20/10.
I do try to trust in God that he has a plan for me, but I really loved my life as it was. I keep thinking that I have to be like an eagle and soar higher than the storm and that God will provide. I am also blessed with some amazing friends that bring me food, go to the grocery to buy my cat litter, dog food, cat food, and some people food, and send their daughter to take me to get a Blizzard and for a car ride. I have one amazing friend that is coloring and cutting my hair at no charge. They also try to keep a pretty close watch on me to make sure I am eating, or that I am not curled up in a corner. I have an amazing son that has had to grow up way to fast, he just turned 27 this week, a Mother that is so faithful in her spiritual walk, and a Brother that is bearing a lot on his shoulders right now. For my fellow bloggers, please pray that I have the strength to get through this. I am still working part time and there are days that I don't feel like getting my head off my pillow. Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting. I am still thanking God for the blessings that I do have.
Keep the prayers going for my family, love p

Friday, June 4, 2010

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Friday, May 21, 2010

Rough Days......

Although this has been a tough week, I still try to find positives in my life. Lots of Corey's classmates that already passed, were younger than him, so I try to thank God for blessing me with him longer than others had their sons. Yesterday I shared with a friend that lost a son 5 years ago and she reassured me that although I cannot see this far, there will be a day this becomes easier, that you never get over the loss of a child, and you have to sometimes take your pain to a corner, room, book, or where ever you want to put it and leave it there sometimes so you can start to live again. She says it is still very early to start this, but this is something I have been sharing with my Mom and Austin. I have a friend in Iowa that has been so wonderful and supportive, I work for her and she has shared that it will be 15 years this August she lost her son. She has sent me to some really good websites and has sent me uplifting e mails every day since we lost Corey. She tells me that my experiences with the rabbits running and playing like kittens and my peace at watching the birds eating from the bird feeder Corey bought me last fall is him sending me a little bit of peace when I am there. I have been reading a lot about heaven and from I understand it would not be heaven if he was watching me and worrying about me and my grief. The joy is supposed to be overwhelming, much like my grief has been this week. The man that went to heaven said he recognized all of these people as friends and family that had passed on. He said he had never felt such joy and happiness, he says he is not even sure that people were talking, but just so happy to be in the presence of each other. He did say his Grandmother always had false teeth and her teeth were real in heaven.
He said the music was every where and how you would think that music playing different styles all the time, would drive you crazy but he says no, it is the best. He said there is no mistaking the angel wings making the swishing sound with their wing. He said the colors were so much brighter and there were colors he had never seen before. He also shared that he never made it through the pearly gates, but could see the streets of gold that were unlike anything he had ever seen....This gives me great comfort as I know that is where my Corey worries and complete joy with no pains or problems to face. I also have had some comfort from the S. Curtis Chapman CD, although I tend to cry a lot when it is on, in the song Trust Me.
Austin and I had a good talk tonight, we both had a very rough day yesterday. I think one problem with us moving on with our grief, is we have no closure on what happened, was the wreck Corey's fault or equipment failure. They said he was just talking on his radio when the truck was being loaded and was awake, do you fall that asleep that fast, so know I wonder if there was a mechanical failure and if a truck goes over a huge hill, can they ever identify if there was a problem with the truck. As Austin says there are so many questions. A few days after the funeral I broke down and cried to Randy about what did he know in those last few seconds of his life. Austin is struggling with the same question today, did he have time to try to get out....did he know he was going to die and was he praying to God for help. The Corey I raised I feel would call upon God, he told me he prayed every day and the crew he worked with prayed every night before beginning work and he was in a Bible Study with some of the crew at work. My good friend from Iowa wrote me that she thinks about Mary having to watch Jesus die on the cross and at least she and I were spared that part of death, but not being able to see your child leaves much to the imagination. I know that his body is now perfect, he has those beautiful big eyes and does not have to fool with contacts, that cute little boy nose, low maintenance brown hair cut, and he is living in heaven with others that have passed on. Love you, Mom

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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Apparently what they tell you about loss and being numb is true. Our son died on 4/15/10 and although we functioned the first month, somehow I thought once I got through the 1st things might get a little easier. It seems that my husband and I both have been overwhelmed with grief and physical loss this week. I have even reverted back to the gut wrenching sobs while driving out of town yesterday. A good friend's daughter gave me the Steven Curtis Chapman CD that the song God is in Control was sung at my Corey's funeral. The CD was done after he lost his young daughter to a tragic accident. Some of the lyrics are exactly what you live through, lost dreams, crying until you are hoarse, trusting. I am trying so hard to trust.....that God knew the big plan, but why does it have to hurt so bad to lost your son to a part of that plan. Our friends continue to be extremely supportive, but when all is said and done, you have to do this own your own with God's help.
Sorry all my post are bleak and sad right now, continue to pray for all of us. My other son struggles with the loss of his only brother.
Later, P

Friday, May 14, 2010

Where do I begin? How do I post about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to a parent. On 4/15/10, my son had not gotten home from work, I tried calling him on his cell phone, but living in the hills of Eastern Ky there are many places we don't have cell service. Within minutes my husband was at our bedroom door and said, we have to go, I immediately said why and he said it's our Corey, he has been in an accident at work, then he said we have lost him. Lost him, what do you mean lost him. He is supposed to be on his way home. I only know that God gave me the strength to throw on clothes and I kept praying to God that it was a mistake and to give us the strength to get to the hospital near Corey's work area. We met the sweet guy Corey rides to work with and his pregnant wife while we waited for news. A policeman came and told us that he knew there were few words that could comfort us, but that Corey's crew prayed every night before they began their work shift. I remember being in the waiting room floor and praying to God that this was all a mistake, then the medical examiner came and told us that she felt he had felt no pain and that death had been instant, then we are told they need to take his body for an autopsy. I just remember saying God give us strength, it is like 7 am in the morning, how can this be happening to my Corey, my beautiful, brilliant, sweet Corey. Corey had been through a lot in the last 8 years, but had finally gotten "it" he loved driving "stupid big trucks on construction sites", was going to school full time and had found a good Christian girl and knew they would eventually be together and start a life together. I try not to question God, but my human side kept asking why Lord, why?
As we drove home, our youngest son kept calling our cell phone, again little service on the drive home. By this time he had gotten text messages from people asking what had happened to his brother, by the time we got him his Dad just told him to stay at our house with my Mother. When we arrived home, our driveway and street was lined with people ready to support and love us through this most difficult time...... I just remember crying and crying from deep within and remember my friends consoling me. I can remember one friend just kept rubbing my hair and it was so very comforting. It seemed like we were in a nightmare and I just kept wanting to wake up and it to be a bad dream. Well it has been almost a month and I am still waiting to wake up. I just continue to pray for God to help me put one foot in front of the the other and to let me raise my head off the pillow each morning. We continue to try to work, shop, and have some sort of return to a life, but there is no going back to a life without your child. My youngest son struggles because people think they sound and looked so much alike, he worries it hurts me when he is around. They are similar, they were brothers, but if he only knew how good it feels to have him touch me or hug me....... I know he dreads being around me for fear we will both have emotional breakdowns, but I am told that is a part of the grief process and I am allowed and he is allowed to have breakdowns. My poor Mom has lost a husband and her first grandson in less than 4 months, she is so very pitiful. My husband is a rock on the outside, but I see the toll this is taking on him on the inside. I want to cover my head with my covers and never get up, but I know that is not what my Corey would want and I know I can't do that because I have family and friends that I have to continue to live for. I can't write anymore but will try to post more later.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

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A lot has gone on in the last month, hopefully will be able to post soon.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

What a year 2009 was. I cannot begin to express the hard year my family has faced. My Dad had disease progression of his cancer in the spring and although surgery was an option it was not felt he would likely survive the surgery to remove the recurrence of the adrenal bed metastasis that had previously been removed in Sept of 2008. So we packed up and opted to have radiation and low dose chemotherapy in Lexington, Ky for 6 weeks. Thankfully my brother lives in Lexington and made his home like a bed and bath resort providing every comfort for us while Dad endured the treatments. In Sept of this year Dad continued to have significant pain and began getting injections into his shoulders for the pain. He also developed atrial fibrillation and was admitted to the hospital. A CT scan done as an outpatient showed a new lesion in the left lower lung. My Dad continued to fight and went a bought a new truck the day after he was told this news. Dad's pain continued to increase and he was admitted to the hospital after he was unable to lay on the table for a bone scan. After being medicated the limited bone scan showed no cancer in his bones. Dad opted to try another chemotherapy. After the first dose he became very weak and he was started on very strong medication for his continued pain. After the 2nd chemotherapy dose a MRI of his brain showed no cancer in his brain. He developed very severe diarrhea and on Nov 7th was admitted to the hospital. Dad came home the Monday night before Thanksgiving and was readmitted to the hospital on the Wed before Thanksgiving. He was moved to the rehab floor of the hospital to try to help him get stronger to come home and came home in my car on Christmas Day. Dad is now in a hospital bed in his living room and is a total care. We have home health coming in to help manage his care, but the majority of his care is done by myself, Austin, Mom, Corey, and my brother. Thankfully my brother's friend Kyle who is a nurse came home with my brother this weekend and is taking the night shift. This enables Gary to rest and me to come home for a few days. We are cherishing the small glimpse we see of Dad although fewer and farther between.
It seems like we missed the holidays, on the Saturday after Christmas I fixed a small dinner to take to my parent's house and Austin said Mom this really feels more like Thanksgiving. Christmas eve was spent in the hospital with my Dad, my friend's son David came by and visited and a dear friend Pam, who lost her Dad last year and is now getting chemotherapy came by and brought my brother a great snack as Gary did the night shift. My dear friend Tammy brought her signature sugar cookies by on Christmas Eve and Dad ate one and asked for a second one.
I know I am rambling, but one's head gets full and I have not released a lot of my feelings and thoughts in a long time. I cry when alone and sometimes with friends, I find it hard to talk about others that have lost loved ones and are going through the same kind of hurt and loss that my family is facing. My Dad has always been a big, strong Teddy Bear that bounced back from any obstacle. He has just fought so hard for 3 long years and his body is losing the battle, although I know his spirit is still in there and strong.
My Mom is exhausted and has lost significant weight in the last 3 months. No wonder this has been a non stop ride for her also.
Austin is doing well, he has been so good to help with the care of Dad and Mom. The wind storm before the snow storm wiped out the electricity at my parents. Austin took charge of the situation and was so strong.
Corey has also stepped up to the plate and been so wonderful to help, also keeping my house live able. Did I mention that Corey is seeing a new girl that is a christian and comes from a good family......yeah!
What can I say about my Randy, he never complains when I am not home for days and days and continues to work so hard to provide for his family.
I want to say that my family and friends praying is what has sustained me through the end of 2009 and will get me through what I will face in the days to ahead.
I have started reading a lot of blogs and the battles that others have faced also helps give me strength to face sometimes the next my sweet Britney at has no idea what joy I and my Mom have reading about the sweet, sweet, happy, Miss Kennedy. We also shared the pictures with my Dad when he was still able to see the computer screen...thank you Brit for sharing Kennedy and your life with us.
Love to all....on to 2010.