Sunday, July 25, 2010

Confused

For those of you that don't know me personally, my husband of 37 years was found dead in our driveway on Father's Day. My son, Mother and I were out of town. I talked to him on Saturday night, he had sent me a text message when I asked "are you okay" that he was "great." Yet the man I had spent the last 41 years of my life, was found face down in the driveway with his newspaper and box of chicken wings in his hands. He had not even braced, so they tell me this means he died before he hit the ground of a cardiac event. I am a nurse and know that when the big one happens it doesn't matter where you are, but I have beat myself up over not being here, although they have said there would have not been anything I could have done. Yet, how could this happen when I needed him so badly to lean on during our recent losses. I titled this confused as my youngest son was driving me someplace the other day to pick up one of our cars that had been in the shop and looked at me and said , "Mom you have a confused look." I am confused, I am lost, I am lonely, I am fearful of losing everything we worked for in our lives, I am hurt, I am.....you can just about put any word in and I have felt that emotion. It is hot, I am afraid to turn my air conditioning down because of not being able to pay the power bill. I eat because people bring me food. Randy always was on to me to lose weight, but he did not have to go to this extreme to encourage me to lose weight. I think people avoid me, simply because they don't know what to say. Probably because I stare a lot in thought of my Dad died on 1/8/10, my son died on 4/15/10, and my husband dies on 6/20/10.
I do try to trust in God that he has a plan for me, but I really loved my life as it was. I keep thinking that I have to be like an eagle and soar higher than the storm and that God will provide. I am also blessed with some amazing friends that bring me food, go to the grocery to buy my cat litter, dog food, cat food, and some people food, and send their daughter to take me to get a Blizzard and for a car ride. I have one amazing friend that is coloring and cutting my hair at no charge. They also try to keep a pretty close watch on me to make sure I am eating, or that I am not curled up in a corner. I have an amazing son that has had to grow up way to fast, he just turned 27 this week, a Mother that is so faithful in her spiritual walk, and a Brother that is bearing a lot on his shoulders right now. For my fellow bloggers, please pray that I have the strength to get through this. I am still working part time and there are days that I don't feel like getting my head off my pillow. Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting. I am still thanking God for the blessings that I do have.
Keep the prayers going for my family, love p

5 comments:

  1. My heart still aches so much for you - I can't even begin how yours feels. You are in my ever constant prayers, P!!

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  2. My heart is aching for you! I know God has a special plan for you and even though it's hard to imagine what that could be at this point, it's important to know that HE does have a plan! You are in my prayers!

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  4. Hi, hope it's OK to contact you here. We would love to include your blog on our giveaway search engine: Giveaway Scout (http://www.giveawayscout.com). Have a look and if interested, use our online form to add your blog (http://www.giveawayscout.com/addblog/ ). thanks, Josh

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  5. Dear Miss P, I am so sorry about your husband and son. I have been meaning to write to you and so many times I would get it all written out and I don't have a blog or an account so I would loose everything i wrote. I do just want to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I think about you everyday. We lost a son last year in a tragic accident and we are still in shock and unbelief. We take so many things for granted and our lives are so fragile, yet we are so sheltered most of the time. We never thought that it could happen to us. I hope you are getting some counsol or talking with others who have gone through such a tragic loss as you, I know after a year we still are a mess in alot of ways. We do believe in God and have never questioned His love , but we are also confused. love Lynn

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