Tuesday, December 14, 2010

This is Not the Way it is Supposed to be....

I am a blogger slacker. I tend to need to get my emotions out and then it can be so painful when you let down and let them go. So much has changed in my life in the last 2 years. So much sadness, so much loss, yet I try to count my blessings...yes I still must count my blessings. It seems that as I get older, the less joy I have had in my life and I have that thought goes over and over in my mind, "God this is not the way it is supposed to be." My mind gets confused on what songs were sung at which funeral, but I think that was part of a song that was sung at my oldest son's funeral in April. My human nature makes me question, "What did I do God to have so many loved ones taken from my small, simple, sweet family?" This surely is not God's plan for me and my family. Then I look around me at others that are suffering from loss of loved ones taken too soon, suffering from cancer and other illness, and their loved ones that are hurting as they go through life that is not as it is supposed to be. I had my first glimpse of a small blessing this week, I lost a very good friend, not just friend, but family. Although he is no longer married to one of my best friends, they still had a wonderful relationship for their children and grandchildren, although both have remarried. We shared Thanksgiving with him this year, and his current wife, x wife, the x wife's husband, his Mother, my family, and their children and grandchildren minus his son that is in the Navy and had just deployed to Africa. He was happy, looked the perfect picture of health and on this Sunday he laid down to take a Sunday afternoon nap, his wife heard him breathing different, checked on him and realized something was wrong, called 911, and although they tried at the hospital he died at 53 years of age. Gone, I realize what his wife went through seeing him, knowing that nothing could be done to help him and then being all alone with him 2 hours away from their family. No one ever shared how my Randy was found, all I was told by one person was how horrible it was. My sweet, sweet neighbor, Tambo who was at my house and saw Randy told me that although his left side of his face was cut, probably from his glasses, he had only bleed a small amount and just looked like he had peacefully gone to sleep and was laying on his left side still with his Domino's wings and Sunday newspaper under his arms, he never braced, he never knew. He was just gone in a second. She shared details with me that no one had ever shared. I thanked her, because every time I get out of my car, I go through so is that what he did and how did he fall, where did he land, how bad was his face hurt. God spared me from having to face watching him die and being a nurse not being able to help him. Being a nurse I think we always think we can fix our loved ones. I kept saying if I had been here, maybe I could have done something....why couldn't I fix my Corey, what couldn't I fix my Dad. And now how do I help mend the broken hearts of my dear friends that have lost their son, brother, Dad, Papaw, and friend....this is not the way it is supposed to be during the Christmas season. I thank God that I live in a community that still prays for me and my family and that I have check in each morning and at night by my friends. Just seeing if you are okay, have you eaten today, I have sugar cookies made and pasta salad so come on up, and God bless her heart when I announced that I am not participating in Christmas decorating saying I am sorry P, but you will just have tolerate being around my decorations because she loves and does an excellent job with decorating. I spend time today deciding what to put on my Dad, my Corey, and my Randy's graves today. That is not the kind of decorating I planned on doing this year. Please pray for my friends that have lost a wonderful man this week and everyone that is having their own hurt and heavy hearts this season....this is not the way it is supposed to be, but it is God's plan and someday we will understand. I don't have a great way with words as my husband and my son did...but God grant peace and healing to all that are hurting and help us face this season with as much joy as possible, give us peace with each breath, and strength to face the next day, the next hour, the next moment. Love and hugs to all, P
PS a huge blessing was Austin totaled his vehicle in a pouring rain storm, walked away with only a small cut above his right eye and a sore body. Praising God for surrounding him with special angels that day.

1 comment:

  1. God bless you - such a terrible year with so much loss and you face it all with faith and grace. Amazing. I try to understand that WHY is not a question, but a lesson learned in time. He will make it all up to you...in His time. Until then, I hope you can feel people lifting you up in prayer.
    Valerie from FL