Although this has been a tough week, I still try to find positives in my life. Lots of Corey's classmates that already passed, were younger than him, so I try to thank God for blessing me with him longer than others had their sons. Yesterday I shared with a friend that lost a son 5 years ago and she reassured me that although I cannot see this far, there will be a day this becomes easier, that you never get over the loss of a child, and you have to sometimes take your pain to a corner, room, book, or where ever you want to put it and leave it there sometimes so you can start to live again. She says it is still very early to start this, but this is something I have been sharing with my Mom and Austin. I have a friend in Iowa that has been so wonderful and supportive, I work for her and she has shared that it will be 15 years this August she lost her son. She has sent me to some really good websites and has sent me uplifting e mails every day since we lost Corey. She tells me that my experiences with the rabbits running and playing like kittens and my peace at watching the birds eating from the bird feeder Corey bought me last fall is him sending me a little bit of peace when I am there. I have been reading a lot about heaven and from I understand it would not be heaven if he was watching me and worrying about me and my grief. The joy is supposed to be overwhelming, much like my grief has been this week. The man that went to heaven said he recognized all of these people as friends and family that had passed on. He said he had never felt such joy and happiness, he says he is not even sure that people were talking, but just so happy to be in the presence of each other. He did say his Grandmother always had false teeth and her teeth were real in heaven.
He said the music was every where and how you would think that music playing different styles all the time, would drive you crazy but he says no, it is the best. He said there is no mistaking the angel wings making the swishing sound with their wing. He said the colors were so much brighter and there were colors he had never seen before. He also shared that he never made it through the pearly gates, but could see the streets of gold that were unlike anything he had ever seen....This gives me great comfort as I know that is where my Corey is...no worries and complete joy with no pains or problems to face. I also have had some comfort from the S. Curtis Chapman CD, although I tend to cry a lot when it is on, in the song Trust Me.
Austin and I had a good talk tonight, we both had a very rough day yesterday. I think one problem with us moving on with our grief, is we have no closure on what happened, was the wreck Corey's fault or equipment failure. They said he was just talking on his radio when the truck was being loaded and was awake, do you fall that asleep that fast, so know I wonder if there was a mechanical failure and if a truck goes over a huge hill, can they ever identify if there was a problem with the truck. As Austin says there are so many questions. A few days after the funeral I broke down and cried to Randy about what did he know in those last few seconds of his life. Austin is struggling with the same question today, did he have time to try to get out....did he know he was going to die and was he praying to God for help. The Corey I raised I feel would call upon God, he told me he prayed every day and the crew he worked with prayed every night before beginning work and he was in a Bible Study with some of the crew at work. My good friend from Iowa wrote me that she thinks about Mary having to watch Jesus die on the cross and at least she and I were spared that part of death, but not being able to see your child leaves much to the imagination. I know that his body is now perfect, he has those beautiful big eyes and does not have to fool with contacts, that cute little boy nose, low maintenance brown hair cut, and he is living in heaven with others that have passed on. Love you, Mom