keeping up with the jones...

Where do I begin? How do I post about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to a parent. On 4/15/10, my son had not gotten home from work, I tried calling him on his cell phone, but living in the hills of Eastern Ky there are many places we don't have cell service. Within minutes my husband was at our bedroom door and said, we have to go, I immediately said why and he said it's our Corey, he has been in an accident at work, then he said we have lost him. Lost him, what do you mean lost him. He is supposed to be on his way home. I only know that God gave me the strength to throw on clothes and I kept praying to God that it was a mistake and to give us the strength to get to the hospital near Corey's work area. We met the sweet guy Corey rides to work with and his pregnant wife while we waited for news. A policeman came and told us that he knew there were few words that could comfort us, but that Corey's crew prayed every night before they began their work shift. I remember being in the waiting room floor and praying to God that this was all a mistake, then the medical examiner came and told us that she felt he had felt no pain and that death had been instant, then we are told they need to take his body for an autopsy. I just remember saying God give us strength, it is like 7 am in the morning, how can this be happening to my Corey, my beautiful, brilliant, sweet Corey. Corey had been through a lot in the last 8 years, but had finally gotten "it" he loved driving "stupid big trucks on construction sites", was going to school full time and had found a good Christian girl and knew they would eventually be together and start a life together. I try not to question God, but my human side kept asking why Lord, why?
As we drove home, our youngest son kept calling our cell phone, again little service on the drive home. By this time he had gotten text messages from people asking what had happened to his brother, by the time we got him his Dad just told him to stay at our house with my Mother. When we arrived home, our driveway and street was lined with people ready to support and love us through this most difficult time...... I just remember crying and crying from deep within and remember my friends consoling me. I can remember one friend just kept rubbing my hair and it was so very comforting. It seemed like we were in a nightmare and I just kept wanting to wake up and it to be a bad dream. Well it has been almost a month and I am still waiting to wake up. I just continue to pray for God to help me put one foot in front of the the other and to let me raise my head off the pillow each morning. We continue to try to work, shop, and have some sort of return to a life, but there is no going back to a life without your child. My youngest son struggles because people think they sound and looked so much alike, he worries it hurts me when he is around. They are similar, they were brothers, but if he only knew how good it feels to have him touch me or hug me....... I know he dreads being around me for fear we will both have emotional breakdowns, but I am told that is a part of the grief process and I am allowed and he is allowed to have breakdowns. My poor Mom has lost a husband and her first grandson in less than 4 months, she is so very pitiful. My husband is a rock on the outside, but I see the toll this is taking on him on the inside. I want to cover my head with my covers and never get up, but I know that is not what my Corey would want and I know I can't do that because I have family and friends that I have to continue to live for. I can't write anymore but will try to post more later.