At a loss...

This week has been rough....I am not sure if it is the weather, snow and ice and more snow and ice and cold weather. It is also the week of my Dad passing to heaven on January 8, 2010. I miss my sweet son Corey, I miss my husband, Randy. My heart feels as though it has a huge hole in it that will never heal. I know that part of my sadness has to do with the loss of another person in our community and my family that has caused sadness for my loved ones and friends. How do you begin to describe a man that taught first grade, was principal at our elementary school, was a college professor, could play a piano and sing like an angel, was the master of event planning, could tell great stories, could cook right up there with Paula Deen, was a Christian, friend, mentor, and oh so much more! Oh and I don't think I ever saw him lose his "cool." When I was unable to think and called him to come to me to help plan my Corey's funeral, he was there, when I was shattered with Randy's sudden death and called for him and said, "Jerry, you have to do this, I am at a loss, he planned everything and it was perfect. He was such an awesome man and had made this world a happier, better place. He was honored by a beautiful celebration of his life on Sunday with beautiful music, beautiful words from so many people and such outpouring of love from his Church and community. I know today is a hard day for his wife, Jenn, the Fish family, and other friends as he would have been 58 years old today. Another one taken too soon from us, but we do not know the plan that God has for any of us. Happy Birthday in Heaven Mr. Waddell. We loved you and will always have wonderful memories of the times we shared with you. I borrowed my sweet Claire's facebook picture of Mr. Waddell at an earlier birthday to share. I am blessed to have called you my friend.

Helping Others Through our Pain

Our beautiful little community has lost another one too soon......we have another Mother, Father, Sister, Grandmother, Aunt,Uncle, Cousin, and many other family members and friends that are hurting from the loss of a young man in our community. Although I know this family well in our small town you might not see people everyday or it might be months, but we tend to love, pray, and be there for each other. This Mother just buried her Father one week ago. I never thought I would add another role to who I am and had no idea when I was running to Wal Mart that I would reach out...but today I felt the overwhelming need to just go hug, hold, and whisper words that might help this Mother through this difficult time.....all I could say was let your friend and family lift and love you through this time, keep looking up and asked God to help you through the next moment, the next second. I could so recognize the look in her eyes of having a part of one's soul missing. I have had that look for 8 months, for when you lose a child no matter what age they are, you lose part of your heart and soul.
I know that God helps us in the same way we must help each other as he felt the same pain we feel when his son was on the cross and died for us. This is what sustains me in my deepest hours that through Jesus dying on the cross, I am assured my loved ones and I will have eternal life and will be together again. Although things are out of order for those of us that lose a child before we pass on...please pray for our community and this family right now and in the days ahead. I just had a dear friend bury her son at 53, this young man was in his early twenties, my son was 32.....the one thing a Mother mourning does not need to hear is ...this is God's plan or it will get better. I am sure that God has a plan, but I am not sure we will ever know or need to know that plan and at this point I don't scream and cry as in the first few hours, days, weeks, but the pain, the hurt, the realization that this is not a night mare and someone is not going to turn on the lights is not going to happen. My love and prayers to this family. Love and hugs to all, P

This is Not the Way it is Supposed to be....

I am a blogger slacker. I tend to need to get my emotions out and then it can be so painful when you let down and let them go. So much has changed in my life in the last 2 years. So much sadness, so much loss, yet I try to count my blessings...yes I still must count my blessings. It seems that as I get older, the less joy I have had in my life and I have that thought goes over and over in my mind, "God this is not the way it is supposed to be." My mind gets confused on what songs were sung at which funeral, but I think that was part of a song that was sung at my oldest son's funeral in April. My human nature makes me question, "What did I do God to have so many loved ones taken from my small, simple, sweet family?" This surely is not God's plan for me and my family. Then I look around me at others that are suffering from loss of loved ones taken too soon, suffering from cancer and other illness, and their loved ones that are hurting as they go through life that is not as it is supposed to be. I had my first glimpse of a small blessing this week, I lost a very good friend, not just friend, but family. Although he is no longer married to one of my best friends, they still had a wonderful relationship for their children and grandchildren, although both have remarried. We shared Thanksgiving with him this year, and his current wife, x wife, the x wife's husband, his Mother, my family, and their children and grandchildren minus his son that is in the Navy and had just deployed to Africa. He was happy, looked the perfect picture of health and on this Sunday he laid down to take a Sunday afternoon nap, his wife heard him breathing different, checked on him and realized something was wrong, called 911, and although they tried at the hospital he died at 53 years of age. Gone, I realize what his wife went through seeing him, knowing that nothing could be done to help him and then being all alone with him 2 hours away from their family. No one ever shared how my Randy was found, all I was told by one person was how horrible it was. My sweet, sweet neighbor, Tambo who was at my house and saw Randy told me that although his left side of his face was cut, probably from his glasses, he had only bleed a small amount and just looked like he had peacefully gone to sleep and was laying on his left side still with his Domino's wings and Sunday newspaper under his arms, he never braced, he never knew. He was just gone in a second. She shared details with me that no one had ever shared. I thanked her, because every time I get out of my car, I go through so is that what he did and how did he fall, where did he land, how bad was his face hurt. God spared me from having to face watching him die and being a nurse not being able to help him. Being a nurse I think we always think we can fix our loved ones. I kept saying if I had been here, maybe I could have done something....why couldn't I fix my Corey, what couldn't I fix my Dad. And now how do I help mend the broken hearts of my dear friends that have lost their son, brother, Dad, Papaw, and friend....this is not the way it is supposed to be during the Christmas season. I thank God that I live in a community that still prays for me and my family and that I have check in each morning and at night by my friends. Just seeing if you are okay, have you eaten today, I have sugar cookies made and pasta salad so come on up, and God bless her heart when I announced that I am not participating in Christmas decorating saying I am sorry P, but you will just have tolerate being around my decorations because she loves and does an excellent job with decorating. I spend time today deciding what to put on my Dad, my Corey, and my Randy's graves today. That is not the kind of decorating I planned on doing this year. Please pray for my friends that have lost a wonderful man this week and everyone that is having their own hurt and heavy hearts this season....this is not the way it is supposed to be, but it is God's plan and someday we will understand. I don't have a great way with words as my husband and my son did...but God grant peace and healing to all that are hurting and help us face this season with as much joy as possible, give us peace with each breath, and strength to face the next day, the next hour, the next moment. Love and hugs to all, P
PS a huge blessing was Austin totaled his vehicle in a pouring rain storm, walked away with only a small cut above his right eye and a sore body. Praising God for surrounding him with special angels that day.

Confused

For those of you that don't know me personally, my husband of 37 years was found dead in our driveway on Father's Day. My son, Mother and I were out of town. I talked to him on Saturday night, he had sent me a text message when I asked "are you okay" that he was "great." Yet the man I had spent the last 41 years of my life, was found face down in the driveway with his newspaper and box of chicken wings in his hands. He had not even braced, so they tell me this means he died before he hit the ground of a cardiac event. I am a nurse and know that when the big one happens it doesn't matter where you are, but I have beat myself up over not being here, although they have said there would have not been anything I could have done. Yet, how could this happen when I needed him so badly to lean on during our recent losses. I titled this confused as my youngest son was driving me someplace the other day to pick up one of our cars that had been in the shop and looked at me and said , "Mom you have a confused look." I am confused, I am lost, I am lonely, I am fearful of losing everything we worked for in our lives, I am hurt, I am.....you can just about put any word in and I have felt that emotion. It is hot, I am afraid to turn my air conditioning down because of not being able to pay the power bill. I eat because people bring me food. Randy always was on to me to lose weight, but he did not have to go to this extreme to encourage me to lose weight. I think people avoid me, simply because they don't know what to say. Probably because I stare a lot in thought of my Dad died on 1/8/10, my son died on 4/15/10, and my husband dies on 6/20/10.
I do try to trust in God that he has a plan for me, but I really loved my life as it was. I keep thinking that I have to be like an eagle and soar higher than the storm and that God will provide. I am also blessed with some amazing friends that bring me food, go to the grocery to buy my cat litter, dog food, cat food, and some people food, and send their daughter to take me to get a Blizzard and for a car ride. I have one amazing friend that is coloring and cutting my hair at no charge. They also try to keep a pretty close watch on me to make sure I am eating, or that I am not curled up in a corner. I have an amazing son that has had to grow up way to fast, he just turned 27 this week, a Mother that is so faithful in her spiritual walk, and a Brother that is bearing a lot on his shoulders right now. For my fellow bloggers, please pray that I have the strength to get through this. I am still working part time and there are days that I don't feel like getting my head off my pillow. Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting. I am still thanking God for the blessings that I do have.
Keep the prayers going for my family, love p

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Rough Days......

Although this has been a tough week, I still try to find positives in my life. Lots of Corey's classmates that already passed, were younger than him, so I try to thank God for blessing me with him longer than others had their sons. Yesterday I shared with a friend that lost a son 5 years ago and she reassured me that although I cannot see this far, there will be a day this becomes easier, that you never get over the loss of a child, and you have to sometimes take your pain to a corner, room, book, or where ever you want to put it and leave it there sometimes so you can start to live again. She says it is still very early to start this, but this is something I have been sharing with my Mom and Austin. I have a friend in Iowa that has been so wonderful and supportive, I work for her and she has shared that it will be 15 years this August she lost her son. She has sent me to some really good websites and has sent me uplifting e mails every day since we lost Corey. She tells me that my experiences with the rabbits running and playing like kittens and my peace at watching the birds eating from the bird feeder Corey bought me last fall is him sending me a little bit of peace when I am there. I have been reading a lot about heaven and from I understand it would not be heaven if he was watching me and worrying about me and my grief. The joy is supposed to be overwhelming, much like my grief has been this week. The man that went to heaven said he recognized all of these people as friends and family that had passed on. He said he had never felt such joy and happiness, he says he is not even sure that people were talking, but just so happy to be in the presence of each other. He did say his Grandmother always had false teeth and her teeth were real in heaven.
He said the music was every where and how you would think that music playing different styles all the time, would drive you crazy but he says no, it is the best. He said there is no mistaking the angel wings making the swishing sound with their wing. He said the colors were so much brighter and there were colors he had never seen before. He also shared that he never made it through the pearly gates, but could see the streets of gold that were unlike anything he had ever seen....This gives me great comfort as I know that is where my Corey is...no worries and complete joy with no pains or problems to face. I also have had some comfort from the S. Curtis Chapman CD, although I tend to cry a lot when it is on, in the song Trust Me.
Austin and I had a good talk tonight, we both had a very rough day yesterday. I think one problem with us moving on with our grief, is we have no closure on what happened, was the wreck Corey's fault or equipment failure. They said he was just talking on his radio when the truck was being loaded and was awake, do you fall that asleep that fast, so know I wonder if there was a mechanical failure and if a truck goes over a huge hill, can they ever identify if there was a problem with the truck. As Austin says there are so many questions. A few days after the funeral I broke down and cried to Randy about what did he know in those last few seconds of his life. Austin is struggling with the same question today, did he have time to try to get out....did he know he was going to die and was he praying to God for help. The Corey I raised I feel would call upon God, he told me he prayed every day and the crew he worked with prayed every night before beginning work and he was in a Bible Study with some of the crew at work. My good friend from Iowa wrote me that she thinks about Mary having to watch Jesus die on the cross and at least she and I were spared that part of death, but not being able to see your child leaves much to the imagination. I know that his body is now perfect, he has those beautiful big eyes and does not have to fool with contacts, that cute little boy nose, low maintenance brown hair cut, and he is living in heaven with others that have passed on. Love you, Mom

Lyndsie is giving away a baby be blessed!

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Let's hope she gives away more of these sweet babies.