Rough Days......

Although this has been a tough week, I still try to find positives in my life. Lots of Corey's classmates that already passed, were younger than him, so I try to thank God for blessing me with him longer than others had their sons. Yesterday I shared with a friend that lost a son 5 years ago and she reassured me that although I cannot see this far, there will be a day this becomes easier, that you never get over the loss of a child, and you have to sometimes take your pain to a corner, room, book, or where ever you want to put it and leave it there sometimes so you can start to live again. She says it is still very early to start this, but this is something I have been sharing with my Mom and Austin. I have a friend in Iowa that has been so wonderful and supportive, I work for her and she has shared that it will be 15 years this August she lost her son. She has sent me to some really good websites and has sent me uplifting e mails every day since we lost Corey. She tells me that my experiences with the rabbits running and playing like kittens and my peace at watching the birds eating from the bird feeder Corey bought me last fall is him sending me a little bit of peace when I am there. I have been reading a lot about heaven and from I understand it would not be heaven if he was watching me and worrying about me and my grief. The joy is supposed to be overwhelming, much like my grief has been this week. The man that went to heaven said he recognized all of these people as friends and family that had passed on. He said he had never felt such joy and happiness, he says he is not even sure that people were talking, but just so happy to be in the presence of each other. He did say his Grandmother always had false teeth and her teeth were real in heaven.
He said the music was every where and how you would think that music playing different styles all the time, would drive you crazy but he says no, it is the best. He said there is no mistaking the angel wings making the swishing sound with their wing. He said the colors were so much brighter and there were colors he had never seen before. He also shared that he never made it through the pearly gates, but could see the streets of gold that were unlike anything he had ever seen....This gives me great comfort as I know that is where my Corey is...no worries and complete joy with no pains or problems to face. I also have had some comfort from the S. Curtis Chapman CD, although I tend to cry a lot when it is on, in the song Trust Me.
Austin and I had a good talk tonight, we both had a very rough day yesterday. I think one problem with us moving on with our grief, is we have no closure on what happened, was the wreck Corey's fault or equipment failure. They said he was just talking on his radio when the truck was being loaded and was awake, do you fall that asleep that fast, so know I wonder if there was a mechanical failure and if a truck goes over a huge hill, can they ever identify if there was a problem with the truck. As Austin says there are so many questions. A few days after the funeral I broke down and cried to Randy about what did he know in those last few seconds of his life. Austin is struggling with the same question today, did he have time to try to get out....did he know he was going to die and was he praying to God for help. The Corey I raised I feel would call upon God, he told me he prayed every day and the crew he worked with prayed every night before beginning work and he was in a Bible Study with some of the crew at work. My good friend from Iowa wrote me that she thinks about Mary having to watch Jesus die on the cross and at least she and I were spared that part of death, but not being able to see your child leaves much to the imagination. I know that his body is now perfect, he has those beautiful big eyes and does not have to fool with contacts, that cute little boy nose, low maintenance brown hair cut, and he is living in heaven with others that have passed on. Love you, Mom

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Let's hope she gives away more of these sweet babies.

Apparently what they tell you about loss and being numb is true. Our son died on 4/15/10 and although we functioned the first month, somehow I thought once I got through the 1st things might get a little easier. It seems that my husband and I both have been overwhelmed with grief and physical loss this week. I have even reverted back to the gut wrenching sobs while driving out of town yesterday. A good friend's daughter gave me the Steven Curtis Chapman CD that the song God is in Control was sung at my Corey's funeral. The CD was done after he lost his young daughter to a tragic accident. Some of the lyrics are exactly what you live through, lost dreams, crying until you are hoarse, trusting. I am trying so hard to trust.....that God knew the big plan, but why does it have to hurt so bad to lost your son to a part of that plan. Our friends continue to be extremely supportive, but when all is said and done, you have to do this own your own with God's help.
Sorry all my post are bleak and sad right now, continue to pray for all of us. My other son struggles with the loss of his only brother.
Later, P

Where do I begin? How do I post about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to a parent. On 4/15/10, my son had not gotten home from work, I tried calling him on his cell phone, but living in the hills of Eastern Ky there are many places we don't have cell service. Within minutes my husband was at our bedroom door and said, we have to go, I immediately said why and he said it's our Corey, he has been in an accident at work, then he said we have lost him. Lost him, what do you mean lost him. He is supposed to be on his way home. I only know that God gave me the strength to throw on clothes and I kept praying to God that it was a mistake and to give us the strength to get to the hospital near Corey's work area. We met the sweet guy Corey rides to work with and his pregnant wife while we waited for news. A policeman came and told us that he knew there were few words that could comfort us, but that Corey's crew prayed every night before they began their work shift. I remember being in the waiting room floor and praying to God that this was all a mistake, then the medical examiner came and told us that she felt he had felt no pain and that death had been instant, then we are told they need to take his body for an autopsy. I just remember saying God give us strength, it is like 7 am in the morning, how can this be happening to my Corey, my beautiful, brilliant, sweet Corey. Corey had been through a lot in the last 8 years, but had finally gotten "it" he loved driving "stupid big trucks on construction sites", was going to school full time and had found a good Christian girl and knew they would eventually be together and start a life together. I try not to question God, but my human side kept asking why Lord, why?
As we drove home, our youngest son kept calling our cell phone, again little service on the drive home. By this time he had gotten text messages from people asking what had happened to his brother, by the time we got him his Dad just told him to stay at our house with my Mother. When we arrived home, our driveway and street was lined with people ready to support and love us through this most difficult time...... I just remember crying and crying from deep within and remember my friends consoling me. I can remember one friend just kept rubbing my hair and it was so very comforting. It seemed like we were in a nightmare and I just kept wanting to wake up and it to be a bad dream. Well it has been almost a month and I am still waiting to wake up. I just continue to pray for God to help me put one foot in front of the the other and to let me raise my head off the pillow each morning. We continue to try to work, shop, and have some sort of return to a life, but there is no going back to a life without your child. My youngest son struggles because people think they sound and looked so much alike, he worries it hurts me when he is around. They are similar, they were brothers, but if he only knew how good it feels to have him touch me or hug me....... I know he dreads being around me for fear we will both have emotional breakdowns, but I am told that is a part of the grief process and I am allowed and he is allowed to have breakdowns. My poor Mom has lost a husband and her first grandson in less than 4 months, she is so very pitiful. My husband is a rock on the outside, but I see the toll this is taking on him on the inside. I want to cover my head with my covers and never get up, but I know that is not what my Corey would want and I know I can't do that because I have family and friends that I have to continue to live for. I can't write anymore but will try to post more later.

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A lot has gone on in the last month, hopefully will be able to post soon.

What a year 2009 was. I cannot begin to express the hard year my family has faced. My Dad had disease progression of his cancer in the spring and although surgery was an option it was not felt he would likely survive the surgery to remove the recurrence of the adrenal bed metastasis that had previously been removed in Sept of 2008. So we packed up and opted to have radiation and low dose chemotherapy in Lexington, Ky for 6 weeks. Thankfully my brother lives in Lexington and made his home like a bed and bath resort providing every comfort for us while Dad endured the treatments. In Sept of this year Dad continued to have significant pain and began getting injections into his shoulders for the pain. He also developed atrial fibrillation and was admitted to the hospital. A CT scan done as an outpatient showed a new lesion in the left lower lung. My Dad continued to fight and went a bought a new truck the day after he was told this news. Dad's pain continued to increase and he was admitted to the hospital after he was unable to lay on the table for a bone scan. After being medicated the limited bone scan showed no cancer in his bones. Dad opted to try another chemotherapy. After the first dose he became very weak and he was started on very strong medication for his continued pain. After the 2nd chemotherapy dose a MRI of his brain showed no cancer in his brain. He developed very severe diarrhea and on Nov 7th was admitted to the hospital. Dad came home the Monday night before Thanksgiving and was readmitted to the hospital on the Wed before Thanksgiving. He was moved to the rehab floor of the hospital to try to help him get stronger to come home and came home in my car on Christmas Day. Dad is now in a hospital bed in his living room and is a total care. We have home health coming in to help manage his care, but the majority of his care is done by myself, Austin, Mom, Corey, and my brother. Thankfully my brother's friend Kyle who is a nurse came home with my brother this weekend and is taking the night shift. This enables Gary to rest and me to come home for a few days. We are cherishing the small glimpse we see of Dad although fewer and farther between.
It seems like we missed the holidays, on the Saturday after Christmas I fixed a small dinner to take to my parent's house and Austin said Mom this really feels more like Thanksgiving. Christmas eve was spent in the hospital with my Dad, my friend's son David came by and visited and a dear friend Pam, who lost her Dad last year and is now getting chemotherapy came by and brought my brother a great snack as Gary did the night shift. My dear friend Tammy brought her signature sugar cookies by on Christmas Eve and Dad ate one and asked for a second one.
I know I am rambling, but one's head gets full and I have not released a lot of my feelings and thoughts in a long time. I cry when alone and sometimes with friends, I find it hard to talk about others that have lost loved ones and are going through the same kind of hurt and loss that my family is facing. My Dad has always been a big, strong Teddy Bear that bounced back from any obstacle. He has just fought so hard for 3 long years and his body is losing the battle, although I know his spirit is still in there and strong.
My Mom is exhausted and has lost significant weight in the last 3 months. No wonder this has been a non stop ride for her also.
Austin is doing well, he has been so good to help with the care of Dad and Mom. The wind storm before the snow storm wiped out the electricity at my parents. Austin took charge of the situation and was so strong.
Corey has also stepped up to the plate and been so wonderful to help, also keeping my house live able. Did I mention that Corey is seeing a new girl that is a christian and comes from a good family......yeah!
What can I say about my Randy, he never complains when I am not home for days and days and continues to work so hard to provide for his family.
I want to say that my family and friends praying is what has sustained me through the end of 2009 and will get me through what I will face in the days to ahead.
I have started reading a lot of blogs and the battles that others have faced also helps give me strength to face sometimes the next second....next my sweet Britney at daveandbritplusone.com has no idea what joy I and my Mom have reading about the sweet, sweet, happy, Miss Kennedy. We also shared the pictures with my Dad when he was still able to see the computer screen...thank you Brit for sharing Kennedy and your life with us.
Love to all....on to 2010.