Apparently what they tell you about loss and being numb is true. Our son died on 4/15/10 and although we functioned the first month, somehow I thought once I got through the 1st things might get a little easier. It seems that my husband and I both have been overwhelmed with grief and physical loss this week. I have even reverted back to the gut wrenching sobs while driving out of town yesterday. A good friend's daughter gave me the Steven Curtis Chapman CD that the song God is in Control was sung at my Corey's funeral. The CD was done after he lost his young daughter to a tragic accident. Some of the lyrics are exactly what you live through, lost dreams, crying until you are hoarse, trusting. I am trying so hard to trust.....that God knew the big plan, but why does it have to hurt so bad to lost your son to a part of that plan. Our friends continue to be extremely supportive, but when all is said and done, you have to do this own your own with God's help.
Sorry all my post are bleak and sad right now, continue to pray for all of us. My other son struggles with the loss of his only brother.
Later, P

Where do I begin? How do I post about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to a parent. On 4/15/10, my son had not gotten home from work, I tried calling him on his cell phone, but living in the hills of Eastern Ky there are many places we don't have cell service. Within minutes my husband was at our bedroom door and said, we have to go, I immediately said why and he said it's our Corey, he has been in an accident at work, then he said we have lost him. Lost him, what do you mean lost him. He is supposed to be on his way home. I only know that God gave me the strength to throw on clothes and I kept praying to God that it was a mistake and to give us the strength to get to the hospital near Corey's work area. We met the sweet guy Corey rides to work with and his pregnant wife while we waited for news. A policeman came and told us that he knew there were few words that could comfort us, but that Corey's crew prayed every night before they began their work shift. I remember being in the waiting room floor and praying to God that this was all a mistake, then the medical examiner came and told us that she felt he had felt no pain and that death had been instant, then we are told they need to take his body for an autopsy. I just remember saying God give us strength, it is like 7 am in the morning, how can this be happening to my Corey, my beautiful, brilliant, sweet Corey. Corey had been through a lot in the last 8 years, but had finally gotten "it" he loved driving "stupid big trucks on construction sites", was going to school full time and had found a good Christian girl and knew they would eventually be together and start a life together. I try not to question God, but my human side kept asking why Lord, why?
As we drove home, our youngest son kept calling our cell phone, again little service on the drive home. By this time he had gotten text messages from people asking what had happened to his brother, by the time we got him his Dad just told him to stay at our house with my Mother. When we arrived home, our driveway and street was lined with people ready to support and love us through this most difficult time...... I just remember crying and crying from deep within and remember my friends consoling me. I can remember one friend just kept rubbing my hair and it was so very comforting. It seemed like we were in a nightmare and I just kept wanting to wake up and it to be a bad dream. Well it has been almost a month and I am still waiting to wake up. I just continue to pray for God to help me put one foot in front of the the other and to let me raise my head off the pillow each morning. We continue to try to work, shop, and have some sort of return to a life, but there is no going back to a life without your child. My youngest son struggles because people think they sound and looked so much alike, he worries it hurts me when he is around. They are similar, they were brothers, but if he only knew how good it feels to have him touch me or hug me....... I know he dreads being around me for fear we will both have emotional breakdowns, but I am told that is a part of the grief process and I am allowed and he is allowed to have breakdowns. My poor Mom has lost a husband and her first grandson in less than 4 months, she is so very pitiful. My husband is a rock on the outside, but I see the toll this is taking on him on the inside. I want to cover my head with my covers and never get up, but I know that is not what my Corey would want and I know I can't do that because I have family and friends that I have to continue to live for. I can't write anymore but will try to post more later.

Great Giveaway!

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A lot has gone on in the last month, hopefully will be able to post soon.

What a year 2009 was. I cannot begin to express the hard year my family has faced. My Dad had disease progression of his cancer in the spring and although surgery was an option it was not felt he would likely survive the surgery to remove the recurrence of the adrenal bed metastasis that had previously been removed in Sept of 2008. So we packed up and opted to have radiation and low dose chemotherapy in Lexington, Ky for 6 weeks. Thankfully my brother lives in Lexington and made his home like a bed and bath resort providing every comfort for us while Dad endured the treatments. In Sept of this year Dad continued to have significant pain and began getting injections into his shoulders for the pain. He also developed atrial fibrillation and was admitted to the hospital. A CT scan done as an outpatient showed a new lesion in the left lower lung. My Dad continued to fight and went a bought a new truck the day after he was told this news. Dad's pain continued to increase and he was admitted to the hospital after he was unable to lay on the table for a bone scan. After being medicated the limited bone scan showed no cancer in his bones. Dad opted to try another chemotherapy. After the first dose he became very weak and he was started on very strong medication for his continued pain. After the 2nd chemotherapy dose a MRI of his brain showed no cancer in his brain. He developed very severe diarrhea and on Nov 7th was admitted to the hospital. Dad came home the Monday night before Thanksgiving and was readmitted to the hospital on the Wed before Thanksgiving. He was moved to the rehab floor of the hospital to try to help him get stronger to come home and came home in my car on Christmas Day. Dad is now in a hospital bed in his living room and is a total care. We have home health coming in to help manage his care, but the majority of his care is done by myself, Austin, Mom, Corey, and my brother. Thankfully my brother's friend Kyle who is a nurse came home with my brother this weekend and is taking the night shift. This enables Gary to rest and me to come home for a few days. We are cherishing the small glimpse we see of Dad although fewer and farther between.
It seems like we missed the holidays, on the Saturday after Christmas I fixed a small dinner to take to my parent's house and Austin said Mom this really feels more like Thanksgiving. Christmas eve was spent in the hospital with my Dad, my friend's son David came by and visited and a dear friend Pam, who lost her Dad last year and is now getting chemotherapy came by and brought my brother a great snack as Gary did the night shift. My dear friend Tammy brought her signature sugar cookies by on Christmas Eve and Dad ate one and asked for a second one.
I know I am rambling, but one's head gets full and I have not released a lot of my feelings and thoughts in a long time. I cry when alone and sometimes with friends, I find it hard to talk about others that have lost loved ones and are going through the same kind of hurt and loss that my family is facing. My Dad has always been a big, strong Teddy Bear that bounced back from any obstacle. He has just fought so hard for 3 long years and his body is losing the battle, although I know his spirit is still in there and strong.
My Mom is exhausted and has lost significant weight in the last 3 months. No wonder this has been a non stop ride for her also.
Austin is doing well, he has been so good to help with the care of Dad and Mom. The wind storm before the snow storm wiped out the electricity at my parents. Austin took charge of the situation and was so strong.
Corey has also stepped up to the plate and been so wonderful to help, also keeping my house live able. Did I mention that Corey is seeing a new girl that is a christian and comes from a good family......yeah!
What can I say about my Randy, he never complains when I am not home for days and days and continues to work so hard to provide for his family.
I want to say that my family and friends praying is what has sustained me through the end of 2009 and will get me through what I will face in the days to ahead.
I have started reading a lot of blogs and the battles that others have faced also helps give me strength to face sometimes the next second....next my sweet Britney at daveandbritplusone.com has no idea what joy I and my Mom have reading about the sweet, sweet, happy, Miss Kennedy. We also shared the pictures with my Dad when he was still able to see the computer screen...thank you Brit for sharing Kennedy and your life with us.
Love to all....on to 2010.

What a couple of day! My husband has something wrong with his knee, his good knee that has not been operated on and is flat of his back. My son (oldest has been a little mischeivous), my Dad is getting weaker and just lost his billfold yesterday during his trip to the clinic for chemotherapy with something like 1,500 cash.....which makes me think about a time when you could carry a billfold with cash and know that when it was found it would be returned to you with the cash. It just seems important to men my Dad's age (75) to be able to carry their billfold with money. He had absolutely no place that he would spend that money yesterday and has been told over and over, Dad you don't need to carry that much money...but yet we have lost a billfold with a lot of cash. I am praying that some good person will turn the billfold in or that Dad might have lost it at home or in the car...although they have searched and searched for it. It was only money!
Later and hugs, P

Give Away

I love the fact that bloggers have given aways. My sweet neighbor girl Britney over at DaveandBritplusone are giving away a cute sign from My Flip Flopz. Check out Brit's blog and her cute baby girl, Miss K (Kennedy) and sweet hubby Dave. They are the sweetest, best family this girl knows.