Confused

For those of you that don't know me personally, my husband of 37 years was found dead in our driveway on Father's Day. My son, Mother and I were out of town. I talked to him on Saturday night, he had sent me a text message when I asked "are you okay" that he was "great." Yet the man I had spent the last 41 years of my life, was found face down in the driveway with his newspaper and box of chicken wings in his hands. He had not even braced, so they tell me this means he died before he hit the ground of a cardiac event. I am a nurse and know that when the big one happens it doesn't matter where you are, but I have beat myself up over not being here, although they have said there would have not been anything I could have done. Yet, how could this happen when I needed him so badly to lean on during our recent losses. I titled this confused as my youngest son was driving me someplace the other day to pick up one of our cars that had been in the shop and looked at me and said , "Mom you have a confused look." I am confused, I am lost, I am lonely, I am fearful of losing everything we worked for in our lives, I am hurt, I am.....you can just about put any word in and I have felt that emotion. It is hot, I am afraid to turn my air conditioning down because of not being able to pay the power bill. I eat because people bring me food. Randy always was on to me to lose weight, but he did not have to go to this extreme to encourage me to lose weight. I think people avoid me, simply because they don't know what to say. Probably because I stare a lot in thought of my Dad died on 1/8/10, my son died on 4/15/10, and my husband dies on 6/20/10.
I do try to trust in God that he has a plan for me, but I really loved my life as it was. I keep thinking that I have to be like an eagle and soar higher than the storm and that God will provide. I am also blessed with some amazing friends that bring me food, go to the grocery to buy my cat litter, dog food, cat food, and some people food, and send their daughter to take me to get a Blizzard and for a car ride. I have one amazing friend that is coloring and cutting my hair at no charge. They also try to keep a pretty close watch on me to make sure I am eating, or that I am not curled up in a corner. I have an amazing son that has had to grow up way to fast, he just turned 27 this week, a Mother that is so faithful in her spiritual walk, and a Brother that is bearing a lot on his shoulders right now. For my fellow bloggers, please pray that I have the strength to get through this. I am still working part time and there are days that I don't feel like getting my head off my pillow. Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting. I am still thanking God for the blessings that I do have.
Keep the prayers going for my family, love p

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Rough Days......

Although this has been a tough week, I still try to find positives in my life. Lots of Corey's classmates that already passed, were younger than him, so I try to thank God for blessing me with him longer than others had their sons. Yesterday I shared with a friend that lost a son 5 years ago and she reassured me that although I cannot see this far, there will be a day this becomes easier, that you never get over the loss of a child, and you have to sometimes take your pain to a corner, room, book, or where ever you want to put it and leave it there sometimes so you can start to live again. She says it is still very early to start this, but this is something I have been sharing with my Mom and Austin. I have a friend in Iowa that has been so wonderful and supportive, I work for her and she has shared that it will be 15 years this August she lost her son. She has sent me to some really good websites and has sent me uplifting e mails every day since we lost Corey. She tells me that my experiences with the rabbits running and playing like kittens and my peace at watching the birds eating from the bird feeder Corey bought me last fall is him sending me a little bit of peace when I am there. I have been reading a lot about heaven and from I understand it would not be heaven if he was watching me and worrying about me and my grief. The joy is supposed to be overwhelming, much like my grief has been this week. The man that went to heaven said he recognized all of these people as friends and family that had passed on. He said he had never felt such joy and happiness, he says he is not even sure that people were talking, but just so happy to be in the presence of each other. He did say his Grandmother always had false teeth and her teeth were real in heaven.
He said the music was every where and how you would think that music playing different styles all the time, would drive you crazy but he says no, it is the best. He said there is no mistaking the angel wings making the swishing sound with their wing. He said the colors were so much brighter and there were colors he had never seen before. He also shared that he never made it through the pearly gates, but could see the streets of gold that were unlike anything he had ever seen....This gives me great comfort as I know that is where my Corey is...no worries and complete joy with no pains or problems to face. I also have had some comfort from the S. Curtis Chapman CD, although I tend to cry a lot when it is on, in the song Trust Me.
Austin and I had a good talk tonight, we both had a very rough day yesterday. I think one problem with us moving on with our grief, is we have no closure on what happened, was the wreck Corey's fault or equipment failure. They said he was just talking on his radio when the truck was being loaded and was awake, do you fall that asleep that fast, so know I wonder if there was a mechanical failure and if a truck goes over a huge hill, can they ever identify if there was a problem with the truck. As Austin says there are so many questions. A few days after the funeral I broke down and cried to Randy about what did he know in those last few seconds of his life. Austin is struggling with the same question today, did he have time to try to get out....did he know he was going to die and was he praying to God for help. The Corey I raised I feel would call upon God, he told me he prayed every day and the crew he worked with prayed every night before beginning work and he was in a Bible Study with some of the crew at work. My good friend from Iowa wrote me that she thinks about Mary having to watch Jesus die on the cross and at least she and I were spared that part of death, but not being able to see your child leaves much to the imagination. I know that his body is now perfect, he has those beautiful big eyes and does not have to fool with contacts, that cute little boy nose, low maintenance brown hair cut, and he is living in heaven with others that have passed on. Love you, Mom

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Apparently what they tell you about loss and being numb is true. Our son died on 4/15/10 and although we functioned the first month, somehow I thought once I got through the 1st things might get a little easier. It seems that my husband and I both have been overwhelmed with grief and physical loss this week. I have even reverted back to the gut wrenching sobs while driving out of town yesterday. A good friend's daughter gave me the Steven Curtis Chapman CD that the song God is in Control was sung at my Corey's funeral. The CD was done after he lost his young daughter to a tragic accident. Some of the lyrics are exactly what you live through, lost dreams, crying until you are hoarse, trusting. I am trying so hard to trust.....that God knew the big plan, but why does it have to hurt so bad to lost your son to a part of that plan. Our friends continue to be extremely supportive, but when all is said and done, you have to do this own your own with God's help.
Sorry all my post are bleak and sad right now, continue to pray for all of us. My other son struggles with the loss of his only brother.
Later, P

Where do I begin? How do I post about the most gut wrenching thing that can happen to a parent. On 4/15/10, my son had not gotten home from work, I tried calling him on his cell phone, but living in the hills of Eastern Ky there are many places we don't have cell service. Within minutes my husband was at our bedroom door and said, we have to go, I immediately said why and he said it's our Corey, he has been in an accident at work, then he said we have lost him. Lost him, what do you mean lost him. He is supposed to be on his way home. I only know that God gave me the strength to throw on clothes and I kept praying to God that it was a mistake and to give us the strength to get to the hospital near Corey's work area. We met the sweet guy Corey rides to work with and his pregnant wife while we waited for news. A policeman came and told us that he knew there were few words that could comfort us, but that Corey's crew prayed every night before they began their work shift. I remember being in the waiting room floor and praying to God that this was all a mistake, then the medical examiner came and told us that she felt he had felt no pain and that death had been instant, then we are told they need to take his body for an autopsy. I just remember saying God give us strength, it is like 7 am in the morning, how can this be happening to my Corey, my beautiful, brilliant, sweet Corey. Corey had been through a lot in the last 8 years, but had finally gotten "it" he loved driving "stupid big trucks on construction sites", was going to school full time and had found a good Christian girl and knew they would eventually be together and start a life together. I try not to question God, but my human side kept asking why Lord, why?
As we drove home, our youngest son kept calling our cell phone, again little service on the drive home. By this time he had gotten text messages from people asking what had happened to his brother, by the time we got him his Dad just told him to stay at our house with my Mother. When we arrived home, our driveway and street was lined with people ready to support and love us through this most difficult time...... I just remember crying and crying from deep within and remember my friends consoling me. I can remember one friend just kept rubbing my hair and it was so very comforting. It seemed like we were in a nightmare and I just kept wanting to wake up and it to be a bad dream. Well it has been almost a month and I am still waiting to wake up. I just continue to pray for God to help me put one foot in front of the the other and to let me raise my head off the pillow each morning. We continue to try to work, shop, and have some sort of return to a life, but there is no going back to a life without your child. My youngest son struggles because people think they sound and looked so much alike, he worries it hurts me when he is around. They are similar, they were brothers, but if he only knew how good it feels to have him touch me or hug me....... I know he dreads being around me for fear we will both have emotional breakdowns, but I am told that is a part of the grief process and I am allowed and he is allowed to have breakdowns. My poor Mom has lost a husband and her first grandson in less than 4 months, she is so very pitiful. My husband is a rock on the outside, but I see the toll this is taking on him on the inside. I want to cover my head with my covers and never get up, but I know that is not what my Corey would want and I know I can't do that because I have family and friends that I have to continue to live for. I can't write anymore but will try to post more later.

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